Introspection.

Wow. I just looked through my senior year high school yearbook....and at least half of the messages written in it are along the lines of "good luck on Broadway!" and "I can't wait to see your name up in lights!". What happened? Where did that ambition go? When did I lose the certainty I had?

Sometimes I think I should have gone with my first instinct and just skipped college. I was going to. I was THIS close to hopping on a bus and roughing it in New York City. But I didn't, because I convinced myself I needed a college education. And now where am I? Approximately $15,000 poorer than I was then. Still in WNC - living with my parents, at that. Got that degree, and it isn't doing me any good at all right now. And the worst thing about it is, I've let those dreams get pushed aside. They didn't die. I still have them. I just let reality get in the way, and I'm not pursuing them anymore. The one thing I wanted more than anything in the world was to be a Broadway actress, and I haven't done anything at all to achieve that. I haven't even moved to the right city. And as recent as two years ago, I was telling myself that I was just gonna stick around Asheville for a little while and build up some experience on my resume before taking off to the city....hell, as recently as eight months ago, everyone was asking me when I was going because I kept talking about it. And now....now I have no plans to go. Now my biggest plan is deciding which community theatre production to audition for in the fall.

But maybe...maybe I'm really not meant to go. I don't have the body to be on a stage, especially not when you consider the roles I'm the right age for. I don't have the training, not really. I don't have the money. Maybe I'm meant to be here. Maybe some of us are just born with ambitions that we'll never realize, and for some reason God put us here to give something else to the world instead. I just don't have what it takes to be what I truly want to be.

I know what I do have. I have a wonderful family and a wonderful group of friends. I have the opportunity to act often. I have few expenses. I have a wonderful, wonderful man in my life who I love very much, and every day I'm in awe of the fact that he loves me, too. I have my life. Which is sort of what spurned all this introspection - apparently a guy I graduated high school with was killed in a motorcycle accident Friday night. I remember him, but I can't remember how I knew him. I'm sure we had classes together. I feel like maybe we were sort of casual friends, the kind who might have joined forces for a group project or something. Maybe I let him copy my homework. I have a feeling that he was kind of a class clown at times. But honestly, that's all I can muster from my memory. It's really kind of sad to me, because I normally have such a good memory...and yet I can't remember one real fact about this boy who I'm SURE I at least had a few conversations with over the years. I remember his face, but all aspects of his personality keep getting mushed together with other people when I try to make myself remember. For a moment I'll think he was a guy I made out with once at a party years ago, and then I'll remind myself that no, that was a boy from the freshman showcase when I was a sophomore. And then I'll think to myself, "Oh yeah, he was that guy that always talked back in class" but then I'll realize that I'm actually thinking of a former student of mine.

It's so strange to think about people my age being dead. This is the second person from my graduating class to die. And then there's Karen, who wasn't in my class but who I actually knew. I saw her signature in the yearbook I was looking at earlier - it started out addressing me as "Mommy", told me to keep in touch, and signed off with love. I can't forget seeing her casket being lowered and thinking to myself, "They're putting one of my babies in the ground."

There are people whose lives are so short, but I'm sure that those short lives bring so much to enrich other people's. Some of us are meant to be Broadway stars, and some of us are here to heal a broken heart or help someone become a better person. Just because a person's dreams never get fulfilled doesn't mean that their life wasn't full of value. And every single one of us has dreams that won't come true. Maybe the real key is to be grateful for the ones that do.


"Some people are cut out to battle giants, and others are not."
~Into the Woods