On Marriage

Sometimes I'm a little overwhelmed by this whole engagement thing. Don't get me wrong - I'm incredibly excited, I've been waiting for this for a long time, and I can't wait to be married to Scott. At the same time, it's kind of akin to moving away from a place you love to go to another place you love - I keep finding myself thinking about "last time" events. This was my last Christmas before I get married. It was my last birthday. It's going to be my last New Year's Eve. I'm not really sad about any of this, but it does make me stop and think about things a little more.

Speaking of weddings, I noticed something strange (and possibly alarming?) about all the wedding website that are out there. They all assume that the couple getting married is already living together. Now, I don't have any moral objection to this. I think it's fine for people to live together before they get married if that's what they think is best for them. Or, in the case of people who can't get married, that's the only option. However, I think it's kind of disturbing that society just assumes an engaged couple is already living together. I have a lot of friends who are shocked to find out that Scott and I aren't moving in together until we get married. When did that become the acceptable norm?

The reason this bothers me is because statistics show that when couples live together before marriage, they're more likely to get divorced. Now, before anyone gets riled up over that, let me reiterate that I don't believe this happens to ALL couples. I know a lot of people who have lived together for years and have ended up very happily married. The problem with living together before marriage is that couples tend to move in together very quickly these days, and after that, marriage eventually seems like the next step to take. Instead of marriage being a big decision that couples really talk through and really WANT, it turns into "Well, we might as well get married."

I don't just gather this information from some statistics I've read about - I've seen it happen far too many times. I've known at least a dozen couples who quite honestly should not have gotten married, but they did it because they were already living together and just figured marriage would make life easier. Some of them did it to try and fix problems that were already in existence, and those problems just magnified after the vows. These couples are all either very unhappy with their relationship, or they're already divorced.

People move in with each other for all sorts of reasons, but the biggest reason seems to be convenience. It's convenient to have one apartment instead of two. It's convenient to split all the bills and pool finances. It's convenient not to have to drive across town to see each other. Society is obsessed with convenience. Society is also full of people who are divorced, obese, and generally unhealthy because of convenience.

And I know there are extenuating circumstances that make moving in together necessary. A friend of mine had to vacate her apartment and had no where else to go because she hadn't found a new place yet, so she moved in with her boyfriend - for a few weeks, until she got her own place. Now, this couple lives together, but they dated for well over a year before even considering taking that step.

My real problem with all this assumption isn't that I think people who live with each other before marriage are doomed for divorce. No, the issue is that people move in together without THINKING. It's typically young people, people my age and a little bit younger, who make the mistake of moving in with each other weeks into a relationship. Granted, there are exceptions where it isn't a mistake, but stay with me here. These people are sharing toothpaste before they've even fully shared their life stories with each other. Does that seem like a logical step? No. So why is moving in together?

My biggest pet peeve of all is people who say "Well, if you don't live together before you get married, how do you know you'll actually get along?" This question is utterly ridiculous to me. If you're serious about marriage, if you're ready to make a commitment to someone that will last for the REST OF YOUR LIVES, you shouldn't have to live together to know if you'll be able to make it work. You are COMMITTING yourselves to making it work. I'm not saying there won't be trials. You WILL drive each other crazy for a while as you learn all of each other's annoying little habits. But if you had moved in with each other, and all those annoying habits were enough to make you NOT want to marry that person...then that wasn't much of a relationship to begin with.

And please, just in case anyone actually reads this and decides to get all riled up over anything I've said, understand that I am not condemning the actual act of living together before marriage. I know lots of couples who live together happily with no plans to marry, or who have lived together in the past and are happily married now. What I'm trying to speak out against is the general attitude towards marriage these days, the casualness people view such a huge commitment with, and I think that the trend of assuming couples live with each other is only adding to that lack of seriousness. I'm aware that there really are positive sides to moving in together. I just wish people would start treating living together the same way they SHOULD be treating marriage - like a serious commitment that's not to be taken lightly.

I could write on for pages about this (too late!), but I'll just let C.S. Lewis sum things up for me:

From Mere Christianity

"The idea that "being in love" is the only reason for remaining married really leaves no room for marriage as a contract or promise at all. If love is the whole thing, then the promise can add nothing; and if it adds nothing, then it should not be made. The curious thing is that lovers themselves, while they remain really in love, know this better than those who talk about love. As Chesterton pointed out, those who are in love have a natural inclination to bind themselves by promises. Love songs all over the world are full of vows of eternal constancy. The Christian law is not forcing upon the passion of love something which is foreign to that passion's own nature: it is demanding that lovers should take seriously something which their passion of itself impels them to do.
And, of course, the promise, made when I am in love and because I am in love, to be true to the beloved as long as I live, commits me to being true even if I cease to be in love. A promise must be about things that I can do, about actions: no one can promise to go on feeling in a certain way. He might as well promise never to have a headache or always to feel hungry."

-- C. S. Lewis

EDIT 2/5/2010: Just found this article and felt that it needed to be linked with this post.

Crazy beautiful life

Sometimes it amazes me how strange and beautiful this world we live in is. This amazing circle we call life is such an interesting journey, and I'm so thankful that I always feel like someone out there is watching out for me.

For instance, today I had planned to go to Beaver Lake and take a walk around while on my break before Willy Wonka rehearsal at Carolina Day. I would have gotten there around 1:30 and left between 3:00 and 3:10. The only reason I didn't go is because Scott and I decided to meet for lunch in Skyland instead. Tonight I caught some headlines in the news and found out that there was a fatal accident this afternoon right in front of the gas station next to Beaver Lake...at 3:10 this afternoon. I immediately felt extremely lucky to be alive. It's very sad that someone out there wasn't so lucky today, but I'm still thankful.


I guess what really started me thinking about all this philosophical life and death stuff was when I logged onto Facebook today and realized that one of my former college professors (who was very close to our age and a friend to most of us) and his wife (who was my voice teacher) had their baby two weeks ago. What really got me is that while they were spending their day welcoming a beautiful little girl into this world, Scott and I spent that same day with his family and friends saying our final goodbyes to his brother, Michael. For some reason, this realization struck me as a very beautiful thing. One of my favorite quotes from Gone with the Wind is when Melanie says, "The happiest days are when babies come." I've always identified with that philosophy - every time I know someone who is having a baby, even if they're only an acquaintance or (most likely) a parent of one of my preschool kids, I'm always excited on the days when babies come. And you know...somewhere in the world, that's every day. Every day is a happy day to someone out there. Even when we're dealing with our own tragedies, somewhere out there, a baby is being born. I think that's reason enough to be happy.

I'm really just spouting off thoughts now, but I'd kind of like to end this with one of my favorite stories, my own personal evidence that God exists and that he has some kind of plan for us. About four years ago now, I was driving down Highway 321 in the afternoon, trying to make it to South Carolina for the monthly showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show, which I was in down there at the time. I foolishly forgot to check the coolant level in my ancient blue Ford before I left, so right when I was at an almost middle-of-nowhere spot on the highway, my car began to overheat like crazy. I knew I couldn't keep driving it, so I pulled off at the next exit I came to without really looking at the exit number or even which direction a gas station was in.

Well, I turned right when the gas station was to the left. I drove for about half a mile, and just when I was getting really anxious and thinking about turning around, I came upon a little country church. "Oh, please God, let there be a water spigot outside the building!" I thought, pulling into the deserted parking lot. I got out of the car and propped the hood up as steam billowed out from under it, then got an empty water jug from the trunk and began looking for a spigot. Miraculously, I found out on the backside of the building and got my car in working order again.

As I was leaving the parking lot, I glanced at the church sign out front, and as soon as I read what was written, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. There was no Bible verse, no announcement about a church picnic or a quote from a famous theologist. The sign contained only three words:

God's Filling Station.

Now, as much as I'd like to leave the story there, there's a second part that didn't come into play until very recently. Even though I traveled down 321 several times over the next three years after that day, I was never able to figure out exactly which exit it was that I had taken to get to that little church. I had been so stressed out about the car at the time that I could only remember turning right off the exit when the gas station was on the left. Well, a little earlier this year, Scott and I were driving somewhere near his home town, and I mentioned to him that a road we were on looked very familiar. I told him the story, asked him if there was a little church down that road, and he said he wasn't sure.

After that day I hadn't thought that much about it, until two weeks ago when I was driving down to Maiden the day before Michael's funeral service. Scott had given me directions to a gas station just off an exit on the left, and he was going to meet me there so I could follow him on the back roads to his house. I was a little earlier, and as soon as I got to the exit, I suddenly realized it was the same road that had looked so familiar to me on our earlier trip.

On a whim, I took a right off the exit. Sure enough, half a mile down the road, there stood that little brick church. I wish I could remember word for word what the sign said this time, and maybe if I was telling this story in a more formal capacity I would just make something up that sounded nice. But I do remember the sign was just as simple as before; no flowery verses quoted, no long fancy speeches. It was a simple message saying to lay your troubles on the Lord.

I don't know a single soul that goes to that little church; I can't even remember the name of it. But that little building will always hold a place in my heart for being so many things: a filling station when I needed it most, a reminder that we are not alone in our troubles, and most of all, a gentle little nudge that God had led me to my wonderful man who had grown up just off that little two-lane road.

No more yielding than a dream.

The iron tongue of midnight hath told twelve, and so opening weekend of A Midsummer Night's Dream is officially over. My few faithful readers, come and see this show. I don't know what it looks like from the audience's perspective, but so far it's been very well received, and I know I'm having a blast being part of it.

It's funny how the people we spend time with can become more like family than those of our own blood. The Montford Park Players are more of a family unit than any other theatre group I've ever encountered. This is a good and a bad thing. We love and laugh and play like family, we share one another's joys and woes, but as with any other family, there are times when siblings fly at each other's throats. But I'm not speaking about any particular instance, and everyone always seems to kiss and make up, so all and all, I'm of the opinion that the familial feeling we have is a wonderful and rare thing.

It gets me to thinking about how, more often than not, thespians are such a loving breed of creature. There are exceptions to the rule, of course, but I've found that although the stereotype of the catty, shallow actor does exist (and is at least a tiny bit present in all of us), that isn't all there is to it. Everyone can have those unstable moments that actors seem to be famous for, but what people tend to forget is that these are people who bare pieces of soul on a regular basis. It's only natural that they have wild emotional ranges as a result. I'm not trying to say that all actors are bipolar, far from it - most of them are much more levelheaded than they get credit for.

What I AM trying to say is that actors can have such a large capacity for love. Think about it - every couple of months, if we're lucky, we get cast in a new show. That show may or may not be comprised of actors that we have worked with before, and there's almost always at least SOMEONE new, so we readhese old bonds and form new ones. We spend insane amounts of time with other cast members, we set aside all inhibitions in order to be as free as possible onstage, and then all of a sudden, the show is over and we move on to reform a new family unit with a new cast. Sometimes, we might not ever see members of our old family again...but I don't think it's because we don't love each other. I suppose I can't speak for every other actor out there, but I know that I grow to love my cast mates. And I don't stop loving any of them just because I may not see them again.

I guess what really got me to thinking about all this is the fact that I ran into two old high school friends in the same day last Friday, two people that I always loved even though we might never have been best friends. We didn't pretend that we were going to keep in better touch, didn't exchange numbers and make those well-meant promises to go have lunch that people never intend to keep. We just hugged and caught up and laughed and said goodbye, and it was good.

Society seems to perpetuate this idea that in order to really love people, you have to keep in touch with them forever and call them every week, and that those are your best friends. I don't think I quite agree. I think there are people I could easily list among my "best friends" that I only talk to once every few months or less, and there are just as many people I would only call acquaintances that I see every day. There are people I loved dearly in high school that I no longer see because we've all scattered, but I still love them and think of them fondly, and not seeing them for six years hasn't changed that affection. And, in what seems to me to be the saddest situation, there are people I still love who I know no longer hold me in any kind regard. There are a select few who have spurned me, and all but one of that handful went so far as to say they "didn't need me anymore". Those four words hurt more than any other part of those friendships ending, because every time, those words brought the painful realization that a friendship I had believed to be healthy was really one-sided and based only on the other person's need.

But, I digress. The point I'm trying to make is that I still love even those people, and I wonder if this sort of capacity for love is what makes actors able to form and reform such strong family bonds over and over again. Then again, maybe I'm just imagining this trait in all actors. Maybe the best in this kind really are but shadows.

One last note - I've realized that my writing and my inner monologue during the summer tend to take on tones of Shakespearean text. I don't mean the lines I quote deliberately - I mean I catch myself thinking in thees, thous, shalts, wonts, etcetera etcetera. It's vaguely interesting. And now, to bed. Give me your hands if we be friends.

Introspection.

Wow. I just looked through my senior year high school yearbook....and at least half of the messages written in it are along the lines of "good luck on Broadway!" and "I can't wait to see your name up in lights!". What happened? Where did that ambition go? When did I lose the certainty I had?

Sometimes I think I should have gone with my first instinct and just skipped college. I was going to. I was THIS close to hopping on a bus and roughing it in New York City. But I didn't, because I convinced myself I needed a college education. And now where am I? Approximately $15,000 poorer than I was then. Still in WNC - living with my parents, at that. Got that degree, and it isn't doing me any good at all right now. And the worst thing about it is, I've let those dreams get pushed aside. They didn't die. I still have them. I just let reality get in the way, and I'm not pursuing them anymore. The one thing I wanted more than anything in the world was to be a Broadway actress, and I haven't done anything at all to achieve that. I haven't even moved to the right city. And as recent as two years ago, I was telling myself that I was just gonna stick around Asheville for a little while and build up some experience on my resume before taking off to the city....hell, as recently as eight months ago, everyone was asking me when I was going because I kept talking about it. And now....now I have no plans to go. Now my biggest plan is deciding which community theatre production to audition for in the fall.

But maybe...maybe I'm really not meant to go. I don't have the body to be on a stage, especially not when you consider the roles I'm the right age for. I don't have the training, not really. I don't have the money. Maybe I'm meant to be here. Maybe some of us are just born with ambitions that we'll never realize, and for some reason God put us here to give something else to the world instead. I just don't have what it takes to be what I truly want to be.

I know what I do have. I have a wonderful family and a wonderful group of friends. I have the opportunity to act often. I have few expenses. I have a wonderful, wonderful man in my life who I love very much, and every day I'm in awe of the fact that he loves me, too. I have my life. Which is sort of what spurned all this introspection - apparently a guy I graduated high school with was killed in a motorcycle accident Friday night. I remember him, but I can't remember how I knew him. I'm sure we had classes together. I feel like maybe we were sort of casual friends, the kind who might have joined forces for a group project or something. Maybe I let him copy my homework. I have a feeling that he was kind of a class clown at times. But honestly, that's all I can muster from my memory. It's really kind of sad to me, because I normally have such a good memory...and yet I can't remember one real fact about this boy who I'm SURE I at least had a few conversations with over the years. I remember his face, but all aspects of his personality keep getting mushed together with other people when I try to make myself remember. For a moment I'll think he was a guy I made out with once at a party years ago, and then I'll remind myself that no, that was a boy from the freshman showcase when I was a sophomore. And then I'll think to myself, "Oh yeah, he was that guy that always talked back in class" but then I'll realize that I'm actually thinking of a former student of mine.

It's so strange to think about people my age being dead. This is the second person from my graduating class to die. And then there's Karen, who wasn't in my class but who I actually knew. I saw her signature in the yearbook I was looking at earlier - it started out addressing me as "Mommy", told me to keep in touch, and signed off with love. I can't forget seeing her casket being lowered and thinking to myself, "They're putting one of my babies in the ground."

There are people whose lives are so short, but I'm sure that those short lives bring so much to enrich other people's. Some of us are meant to be Broadway stars, and some of us are here to heal a broken heart or help someone become a better person. Just because a person's dreams never get fulfilled doesn't mean that their life wasn't full of value. And every single one of us has dreams that won't come true. Maybe the real key is to be grateful for the ones that do.


"Some people are cut out to battle giants, and others are not."
~Into the Woods

Let's do the Time Warp again!

David was right - I need to post a quick blog about how RHPS went last night.

First off, I want to publicly (not that many people read this, but still) thank Carolina Cinemas for being so awesome. They're REALLY enthusiastic about Rocky Horror, and they've gone out of their way to be nice to us. We got the biggest theatre in house, and supposedly that's going to be our regular theatre. They were great about accomodating anything we needed...and most amazingly of all, the janitorial staff even said that THEY would clean up (usually it's the sole responsibility of the cast to do all the cleaning at the end of the night). So a big thanks to all of them, especially Casey, for being awesome.

I didn't SEE how the show went because I was onstage pretty much the whole time, but it FELT like it was awesome. The crowd wasn't huge, but we probably had about 60+ people, and I'm used to playing to a packed house for RHPS, so I guess in reality it was a really good crowd for a first time. Of course, we had two major obstacles - no props, and no cast! The former problem we handled as best we could, with plans to acquire props as we go along. The latter problem...I must say I am incredible proud of the people who stepped up last night. The only people who had any real experience doing Rocky were myself and Beth (who was Frank with Low Down Cheap Little Punks in Raleigh for a long time). Travis and Darren helped out, and they had both seen the show several times, so that was a big help. Gregory stepped up and was co-Frank with Beth, and he'd never done it before. And best of all...everyone else in the cast was a RHPS virgin! Most of them knew the movie pretty well, but had NEVER seen a live show....and the boy playing Rocky had NEVER EVEN SEEN THE MOVIE. All these kids were about 17-18, and they were such troopers. The girl playing Columbia was especially great - she really knew the film, and she had the sort of boundless enthusiasm that the character really needs.

Of course, what people don't realize is there has to be some sort of set blocking on the stage. Even though you're just copying the movie for the most part, there are no cameras to follow you around or make sure you're at the right angle standing next to the right person, so you have to cheat a little and know when to stand where or an entrance will be off. There weren't any major traffic jams, but that's the first thing I want to get cracking on when we get a real cast put together.

All in all, it was a great night. I'd almost forgotten how much I really love this movie. I know most people just see it as a really cheesy flick and a good excuse to throw toast in a theatre, but I really love the film on its own as well as the whole live experience. I've really missed the high that comes from performing as Magenta...and I can't wait for next month to do the Time Warp again!